Learn to Die

Thou shalt understand that it is a science most profitable, and passing all other sciences, for to learn to die. 
  – Heinrich Suso

Over that last several years it has been my good fortune to be with my mother and my mother-in-law as they complete their lives. In our culture, it is not easy to talk about death and for many it stirs deep fear and an unwillingness to let go. It becomes a terrible struggle or a long slow painful nightmare.

All of the great teachers and gurus tell us to recognize we are not the body and to let go of whatever attachments bind us to this body. If we don't, the experience of dying will certainly be difficult. What a tragedy because death will come. It is only our response to it that we can prepare for.

Ethnath Eswaran, a great spiritual teacher, says, "There is great artistry in this. Death comes and growls something about how our time has come, and we just say, 'Don’t growl; I’m ready to come on my own.' Then we stand up gracefully, take off the jacket that is the body, hand it over carefully, and go home."

What Will Matter

Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end.

There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days. All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten will pass to someone else.

Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance. It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.

Your grudges, resentments, frustrations and jealousies will finally disappear. So too, your hopes, ambitions, plans and to do lists will expire.

The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.

It won’t matter where you came from or what side of the tracks you lived on at the end.

It won’t matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant. Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.

So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought but what you built, not what you got but what you gave.

What will matter is not your success but your significance.

What will matter is not what you learned but what you taught.

What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage, or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competence but your character.

What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you’re gone.

What will matter is not your memories but the memories that live in those who loved you.

What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.

Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident. It’s not a matter of circumstance but of choice.

Choose to live a life that matters.                                        ~Michael Josephson

Not to be morbid, but I have been thinking about death lately. I'm not sick, depressed, or obsessive; it's more curiosity. I mean you come to a point in your life when mortality is very real. So much different than contemplating death in your 20's or even 30's. Oh, I've always been aware that life will end; it's unavoidable. But lately, it's more this feeling that every moment counts; that living in integrity with compassion and courage is supremely important.

Living a life that matters is really an inside job. It's about what's going on within me and how my light shines out to everything and everyone I touch. I do believe we choose the life we live and that the choices keep coming in each moment. Not every moment is fun or pleasant, but the way we choose to accept it is indicative of who we are and how we shine.

Remembering

Three years ago today, my mother passed away quietly after her breakfast at the skilled nursing facility. She had only been there a week and was recovering from what we suspected was a small stroke.

When someone as close as a mother dies, the experience is so alive with sensations and emotions and babbling in your mind. Everything is somehow larger than life. Charged with such intense emotion, details of the moment are vivid and crystal clear. As time passes, the intensity softens a bit, but always when the memory arises, that clarity and pure awareness remains.

The photo is of a Rose-of-Sharon given to me by several friends at the time of mom's death. They told me it was chosen because it blooms in mid-July and they wanted something that would remind me of her each year at this time. It is a fitting tribute to her. It started as a small bush and struggled to survive for two years. The landscape designers wanted to replace it, but I said "No."

This year it is in full bloom, even with the hot, dry summer we are having!. As I tend the garden throughout the year, I am reminded of her. It sways in the winds and endures the rain, cold and snow. Yet it continues to grow and blossom and become rooted in the Illinois soil.

There is a poem from John O'Donohue that speaks to what I feel this morning. Here is just a portion of it...


On the Death of the Beloved

Though we cannot see you with outward eyes,
We know our soul's gaze is upon your face,
Smiling back at us from within everything
To which we bring our best refinement.

Let us not look for you only in memory,
Where we would grow lonely without you.
You would want us to find you in presence,
Beside us when beauty brightens,
When kindness glows
And music echoes eternal tones...

Loneliness: Living in the Prison of Me

I do not know if you have ever been lonely: when you suddenly realize that you have no relationship with anybody. And this loneliness is a form of death. As we said, there is dying not only when life comes to an end but when there is no answer, there is no way out. That is also a form of death: being in the prison of your own self-centered activity, endlessly. When you are caught in your own thoughts, in your own agony, in your own superstitions, in your deadly, daily routine of habit and thoughtlessness, that is also death - not just the ending of the body. And how to end it also one must find out. The ending of sorrow is possible.   What Are You Doing with Your Life?                         ~  J. Krishnamurti This quote from Krishnamurti reminds me there are many forms of death. One that brings unnecessary suffering is what he speaks of here. When we are caught in our own thoughts, in daily routines  and thoughtlessness, it is a kind of death. There are times when it feels like I'm caught in a pattern. I watch myself behave repeatedly in ways I don't like and ways I don't want to be. It feels like a prison of my own making and I experience suffering. What I want to do is discover how the ending of sorrow is possible. Is just being aware enough? I must find out...