Lifelong Friends

...my first life, 

the life I admire

and want to follow

looks on and listens

with some wonder, 

and even extends 

a reassuring hand 

for the one holding back,...

David Whyte, Excerpt "My Second LIfe" 

I am sharing a weekend with lifelong friends. These women are so uniquely individual and yet similar. I witness us moving through each day, in awe of their inner strength, their joy, their struggles, and their pure being.

Many years ago I graduated from high school and chose my college for the silliest of reasons. I wanted to be as far away as possible from home. It had to be place I'd never been and yet not so isolated that I was a total stranger. I chose the University of Tulsa and enrolled sight unseen in the fall of 1965.

My best friend, Douy, was going and her parents drove us both from Springfield, Illinois. I had my father's huge trunk from his WWII military service and several suitcases. We didn't have refrigerators or computers. But we did have clock radios, over sized hairdryers, and a forbidden hotplate.

We decided to arrive before classes actually began in order to experience "rush week." For those not familiar with sororities and fraternities, this is the time you parade through various sorority houses, attend parties and teas, and if you are lucky, you are chosen to join your favorite house.

As a first-generation college student, I was excited and terrified by this totally foreign experience. I immediately liked the girls at the Kappa Alpha Theta house. Who can explain these things? It's real. It's a connection, unique and strong. As it turned out the other girls who also chose Theta would become some of my lifelong friends.

I think it is quite remarkable that you can see someone after 15, 25, or 47 years and simply pick up your friendship where it was left. We haven't miss a beat, these amazing ladies and I. Our time together is filled with laughter and tears, memories and updates, surprises and familiar connections.

Truly, the gift of this weekend is how just being together in each other's presence nurtured and supported us perfectly in a way we each needed. I am forever grateful for the love, acceptance, and encouragement I received. I can only hope I was able to provide a bit of that for them.

JOY!

Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are. ~ Marianne Williamson

This morning is it! I'm really going to post something. I've been stuck in the invisible muck of procrastination, but my day has begun in such an amazing way, I want to write about it.

Mornings are my thing. I love the morning. I have only occasionally seen the sunrise since the time change, but it's calling to me. Soon I may be awaking before dawn again. It is my very favorite time because the world seems to be steeped in silence. Meditation just flows, and I feel such a deep sense of being.

I scheduled my annual mamogram for today and chose early morning, as I always do, to go for it. I was a little bit nervous because I'd had surgery last year and, well, if you're a woman, you know that mammogram machine can be brutal. I arrived on time, checked in and barely sat down, when a woman open the door and motioned for me to follow her.

I noticed immediately that she had a bandana tied around her neck. The paisley print coordinated nicely with her light purple scrubs. She turned toward me, placed her fingers over the scarf at her throat and said, "Take everything off from the waist up and put on the gown opened to the front."

Her speech was rough and difficult to understand, but I knew the drill. The moment I saw her hand move to her throat, I thought of the advertisement of the cancer survivor. You know, the woman getting ready for work, talking about the risks of throat cancer and urging people not to smoke. My next thought was completely judgmental. Why do people smoke when they know this could happen? What a horrible disease, etc.

I recognized in an instant, they were just thoughts. I didn't need them and detached; I wanted to be open to the moment. As she led me into the room where the machine was waiting, she again turned toward me, made eye contact and said, "I've have throat cancer and they had to remove my voice box. If you have any trouble understanding me, please let me know. Could I have your name and date of birth?"

Something touched me deeply as I responded to her request. After giving her my information, I told her I was glad the surgery went well. Her face softened and she was visibly relieved. She began to share her story. The cancer was discovered under her voice box last October. Following the surgery she took 2 1/2 months off and has been back at work for almost two months. She never smoked, but grew up around secondhand smoke. She was so matter-of-fact, not a trace of bitterness.

We talked about how lucky she was to be a survivor. She said she has been working at mammogram center for 27 years and the thought of not being able to come back to work was nearly unbearable. I told her she did a great job and to stay healthy. She gave me a bright smile, "See you next year!"

Although I have heard secondhand smoke is a cause of cancer, I'd never known anyone unlucky enough to have it. My favorite uncle died of throat cancer when I was a freshman in college. It was terribly sad, a very difficult experience and my first encounter with cancer. Since then what I notice for me is a prickliness, fear, anxiety and discomfort around "cancer."

What I felt today was the genuine warmth and authenticity of truly connecting with another human being. I may never see her again, and yet we connected. I was able to communicate with her, without negative emotions. Just two spirits being in presence. It was amazing.

I could have allowed my mind to go to an entirely different place. I could have shut her out, felt uncomfortable with her speech and her outward image of cancer. She could have spoken about all the horrors of having cancer.

What is it that allows us to recognize joy? Some days it is just there and I am so grateful.

Unfolding with Ease...

This year, I am determined to be more unproductive. My goal is to do less and less – to move slower and slower until everything stops. I and the whole world will come to a sweet and silent stillness. And in this stillness, a great shout of joy will arise. We will all be free – free from the advice of ancient ages, free from the whining voices, free from the incessant objections of the responsible ones. 

In this new world, it will be abundantly clear that the bare branches of the winter trees are our teachers. In their daily dance of moving here and there, we will see once again the true meaning of our life. In the wind song of their being, we will hear God’s unmistakable voice. We will follow what appears before us – what had once been difficult will now unfold with ease.
                                                                                     ~ Hakuin Ekaku

I have been struggling with myself for sometime now. Part of me wants to write, part of me just lets go into the flow of each day. I wonder... If I take time to write, I love what I experience and I think it has value. Yet if I move through my day, moment by moment, enjoying whatever arises, I love that. And I know it has value.

Each day there are thoughts and feelings merging from the stillness and they long for expression. I brush them aside, using precious moments for other things. Who is to say which is more valuable? How do I determine in what way to spend my allotted time?

My writers' group encourages me to take time each day to write. This discipline of setting a time to put words to paper or a computer screen. I know how discipline works; I practice Yoga everyday. I meditate. In fact, if I don't, something just doesn't feel right.  

I tried to set a specific time to write and it feels so rigid and artificially imposed. But I recieved an email from a writer friend who is suggesting I make a date with myself ~ a specific day and time and place to go. I like that idea. It seems I need to allow this desire to write to become a practice like my Yoga and this may be the way for it to evolve. 

Maybe I just do it all and let whatever is here in this moment be as it is. Could is possibly be as simple as that? To follow whatever arises and "what has once been difficult will now unfold with ease."

Birthdays...

The Swan
This laboring through what is still undone,
as though, legs bound, we hobbled along the way,
is like the awkward walking of the swan.

And dying-to let go, no longer feel
the solid ground we stand on every day-
is like anxious letting himself fall

into waters, which receive him gently
and which, as though with reverence and joy,
draw back past him in streams on either side;
while, infinitely silent and aware,
in his full majesty and ever more
indifferent, he condescends to glide.
                                                Rainer Maria Rilke

This year as I celebrate my birthday I am grateful to have discovered the ability to let go. Although I so often feel I am hobbling along, I also know the majesty of letting go into the stream of life.

Rilke, with a magnificent gift of words, describes the swan in a way I can so easily picture myself. I look forward to this next year with joy and reverence, with awe and wonder, with contentment and compassion.

Fresh and Alive

There are two things: to be and to do.

Don't think too much about to do - to be is first. 

To be peace. To be joy. 

And then to do joy, to do happiness - on the basis of being. 

Being fresh. Being peaceful. Being compassionate. 

This is the basic practice.

It's like a person sitting at the foot of a tree. 

The tree does not have to do anything, but the tree is fresh and alive. 

When you are like that tree, sending out waves of freshness, 

you help to calm down the suffering in the other person.

                                              ~ Thich Nhat Hahn  

Last night I was at a meditation with over 50 other people. It was a 

lovely experience. I think what impressed me most was this idea of 

"being." We sat sending out waves of just being. The calm peacefulness 

in that room was palpable. An amazing side effect for me was a deep, 

restful sleep; one the best I've had in years!

I like the image of being like a tree. They are strong and grounded. 

They can endure extremes in the weather and they move gracefully 

with the wind. They have the uncanny ability of bringing joy and 

equanimity to those who gaze upon them with gratitude. Buddha 

found enlightenment under a tree. Mary Oliver, Wendall Berry, Rainer 

Maria Rilke, and many others write beautiful poetry to trees.

Such grace to be like a tree...       

Something Terrific

I have become my own version of an optimist.
If I can't make it through one door,
I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door.
Something terrific will come
no matter how dark the present.

~ Rabindranath Tagore

These last several months have been intense. During other times of my life, I might have called them hard or even painful, but I have become my own unique version of an optimist. One thing that Yoga has taught me is that nothing remains the same in this world; life is constantly changing. If there is sadness or pain, it will arise and dissolve. If there is awe, wonder, happiness, and joy, it will come and it will go. 

If I can remember this, detachment is easier and I am more likely to find another door or if I'm feeling a wave of creativity, I might make a unique pathway through whatever is happening. Of course, it is never as easy as the words sound. The pain and the darkness are very real, even when they are hauntings from the past.

This is when the breath takes front and center stage. Yoga is all about the breath. Returning again and again to each inhale, each exhale, each pause, brings me gently to my center. Resting back into the breath, my core being connects me to all of life, to oneness.  

It is then I know beyond any shadow of doubt, something terrific will come...

The Greatest Adventure

Meditation is adventure, the greatest adventure the
human mind can undertake. Meditation is just to be,
not doing anything – no action, no thought, no
emotion. You just are and it is a sheer delight.

From where does this delight come when you are not
doing anything? It comes from nowhere, or it comes
from everywhere. It is uncaused, because the
existence is made of the stuff called joy.

OSHO, The Orange Book Of Meditations


For me, meditation is the greatest adventure because it opens you to all that is real. It brings sheer joy and lifts the veil that separates us from each other and all beings. It's true the body goes nowhere, there is no action required, and yet, it is such vastness and beyond the understanding of the mind you find joy. Joy that comes from no-thing. No requirements or prerequisites, just be...

My Daughter

And so to these


unspoken shadows


and this broad night


I make


a quiet


request


to the


great parental


darkness


to hold her


when I cannot,


to comfort her


when I am gone,


to help her learn


to love


the unknown


for itself,


to take it


gladly


like


a lantern


for the way


before her,


to help her see


where ordinary


light will not help her,


where happiness has fled,


where faith


will not reach.

~David Whyte

I'd like to share just a portion of the poem, a prayer really, written by David Whyte to his daughter. It expresses my deepest wish for my daughter's spiritual nurturing. 

Thirty years ago, my life changed in ways never imagined. My daughter, Amanda, was born and with her came untold joy, amazement, and, of course, challenge. I don't know if we are born with the seed of becoming a mother or not, but Amanda brought such love and laughter, along with tears and struggles, that I became her protector, nurturer, guide, and teacher. I became her mother. I didn't always know what might be best, but I was open to that great parental spirit to show me the way. Mistakes most likely have been made through the years and with them great lessons. So, it has always been with great love and devotion that I have stood with her as she found her own way. She shines brightly each day and moves through life with courage and grace. 

Happy birthday to my daughter ~ a joy, a miracle ~ quite simply a remarkable young lady!

Enter the fire...

The sun
blazes
for everyone just
so joyfully
as it rises

under the lashes
of my own eyes, and I thought
I am so many!
What is my name?

What is the name
of the deep breath I would take
over and over
for all of us? Call it

whatever you want, it is
happiness, it is another one
of the ways to enter
fire.
                  ~ Mary Oliver

Watching the sun rise somehow lights the cells of my body and recharges my being in a way nothing else can do. I agree with Mary Oliver that the sun blazes joyfully for us all.

Entering the fire has many meanings from warmth, to intense challenge, but today the fire ignites my joy and opens me to the oneness that I am.

My Passion...

My continuing passion is to part a curtain, that invisible veil of
indifference that falls between us and that blinds us to each other's
presence, each other's wonder, each other's human plight.

                                                                                     ~Eudora Welty

Yesterday morning as I walked with Payton, our Golden Retriever, the intensity of this invisible veil was almost palpable in the low lying fog that covered the fields of southwest Florida. How often do we truly see each other or ourselves?

Years ago as a young girl I longed to know the meaning of life. I spent endless hours contemplating, pondering, wondering why we are here and what is it we are "supposed" to do. Constantly nervous about not doing the right thing, my focus was on discovering some great mystery.

Occasionally revelations appear and disappear, but always a very gentle knowing and a sweet surrender to each moment brings joy and peace. With passion ever present, Grace shows me the way.

Life is...

Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was
going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and
then being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it
ends.

                                                                 ~Joseph Campbell

Do you ever feel like this? I am notorious for wanting to ask questions during a movie and my husband has threatened more than once to go alone rather than endure my endless inquisitiveness. But lately I've been content to watch life unfold with curiosity and childlike wonder. There is no explanation for this change in attitude. Life truly is a great mystery. Will I be called away before discovering the ending? I know not, but maybe it's OK to just enjoy the moment. I think that is the only place to find joy, love, and peace.

Spring!

Spring and all its flowers now joyously break their vow of silence.

~ Hafiz ~

If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change.
~ The Buddha ~

What is it about spring that brings such joy to the heart? I only know when it arrives, my heart smiles. The birds begin the day with joyful singing and everything begins to look brighter. The anticipation of new life, trees budding and flowers blooming brings delight to my soul. Welcome Spring!

Loneliness: Living in the Prison of Me

I do not know if you have ever been lonely: when you suddenly realize that you have no relationship with anybody. And this loneliness is a form of death. As we said, there is dying not only when life comes to an end but when there is no answer, there is no way out. That is also a form of death: being in the prison of your own self-centered activity, endlessly. When you are caught in your own thoughts, in your own agony, in your own superstitions, in your deadly, daily routine of habit and thoughtlessness, that is also death - not just the ending of the body. And how to end it also one must find out. The ending of sorrow is possible.   What Are You Doing with Your Life?                         ~  J. Krishnamurti This quote from Krishnamurti reminds me there are many forms of death. One that brings unnecessary suffering is what he speaks of here. When we are caught in our own thoughts, in daily routines  and thoughtlessness, it is a kind of death. There are times when it feels like I'm caught in a pattern. I watch myself behave repeatedly in ways I don't like and ways I don't want to be. It feels like a prison of my own making and I experience suffering. What I want to do is discover how the ending of sorrow is possible. Is just being aware enough? I must find out...

No Simpler, Easier Way

All will come as you go on.
Take the first step first.
All blessings come from within.
Turn within. `I am' you know.
Be with it all the time you can spare,
until you revert to it spontaneously.
There is no simpler and easier way.

                                                                     ~ Nisargadatta Maharaj

Sometimes life seems so difficult; every step is an effort. But in reality, life simply IS. There is nothing to DO, no one to BE. Everything just unfolds. Though that may not make sense to the mind, the heart knows when you turn inward and connect with your true nature ('I am'), there is no easier way.

All blessings come from within...

Something in us...

There is something in us

That has nothing to do with night and day,

Diamonds which come from no earthly mine.

                                                ~ Rumi

The sun is shining and the air is warm. It's March in Florida and truly, all is right in my world. When I saw this quote from Rumi, I wondered how could he know so deeply and express so clearly all that I experience. 

Consider what is real. Let go of the body and the mind and move deeply into that diamond mine. Find that which is changeless. This might be such a small, rough, uncut stone that it is easy to pass it by. But there is something that strikes a chord and resonates in a way that there is no doubt.

Grace and joy appear to polish and shine the something within us that comes from no earthly mine. Quite amazing actually...

When you have traveled too fast

You have traveled too fast over false ground;

Now your soul has come to take you back.

Take refuge in your senses, open up

To all the small miracles you rushed through.

Become inclined to watch the way of rain

When it falls slow and free.

Imitate the habit of twilight,

Taking time to open the well of color

That fostered the brightness of day.

Draw alongside the silence of stone

Until its calmness can claim you.

Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.

Learn to linger around someone of ease

Who feels they have all the time in the world.

Gradually, you will return to yourself,

Having learned a new respect for your heart

And the joy that dwells far within slow time.

John O’Donohue

This is just a portion of a poem entitled "For One Who Is Exhausted."  I find refuge in the image of my soul coming to take me back. There are times when we all move too fast and miss the small miracles that are always nearby.  Why not come into the present moment and the "joy that dwells far within slow time?"

Rivers of Light

I hear bells ringing that no one has shaken,
inside "love" there is more joy than we know of,
rain pours down,
although the sky is clear of clouds,
there are whole rivers of light...
                                                       - Kabir

Why is it in winter, light is so much in my mind's eye. The mystics equate love and light and why not. This image of Kabir's "rivers of light" pouring through the sky to earth is majestic. It's so comforting to rest in this place of "bells ringing that on one has shaken."

The morning silence brings a deep sense of Presence and I let go of all the ways my mind keeps me small. I move inside love to find that joy ~ timeless, ageless, just being...

The Miracle

I have arrived.

That is my insight when I breathe in and make two steps.

I have arrived, I have arrived.

Peacefully, gently, but very determined.

We have been running for all our life, it is now time to stop.

If you are not capable of stopping,

how can you enjoy touching the earth with your feet?

The miracle is not to walk on water or on fire,

the miracle is to walk on earth,

and any one of us can perform this miracle.

The miracle is to walk on earth,

that is a statement made by the Zen master Lin Chi, or Rinzai.

If you can establish yourself in the here and the now,

and make a step and touch the wonders of life in the here and the now, you are performing the miracle.

~ Thich Nhat Hanh

This is the perfect time of year to remember to slow down. We can become so busy and caught in the hectic pace of the holidays that we forget the miracle of touching the earth with each step. The wonder of life is all around us! Miracles are everywhere!

Why not take a moment to just notice the gentle flow of the breath and choose to feel the miracle of being alive?

It's My Birthday!

Late Ripeness

Not soon, as late as the approach of my ninetieth year,

I felt a door opening in me and I entered

the clarity of early morning.

One after another my former lives were departing,

like ships, together with their sorrow.

And the countries, cities, gardens, the bays of seas

assigned to my brush came closer,

ready now to be described better than they were before.

I was not separated from people,

grief and pity joined us.

We forget -- I kept saying -- that we are all children of the King.

For where we come from there is no division

into Yes and No, into is, was, and will be.

We were miserable, we used no more than a hundredth part

of the gift we received for our long journey.

Moments from yesterday and from centuries ago -

a sword blow, the painting of eyelashes before a mirror

of polished metal, a lethal musket shot, a caravel

staving its hull against a reef -- they dwell in us,

waiting for a fulfillment.

I knew, always, that I would be a worker in the vineyard,

as are all men and women living at the same time,

whether they are aware of it or not.

By Czeslaw Milosz

(1911-2004)

Fully alive, completely awake

The essence of life is that it's challenging. Sometimes it is sweet, and sometimes it is bitter. Sometimes your body tenses, and sometimes it relaxes or opens. Sometimes you have a headache, and sometimes you feel 100 percent healthy.

From an awakened perspective, trying to tie up all the loose ends and finally get it together is death, because it involves rejecting a lot of your basic experience. There is something aggressive about that approach to life, trying to flatten out all the rough spots and imperfections into a nice smooth ride.

To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man's-land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again. From the awakened point of view, that's life.

~ Pema Chodron

The thing I seem to be practicing these days is just this. Pema Chodron has such a simple, beautiful way to express what life is and how to navigate one's way through it with grace, compassion and joy. Challenging, sweet, bitter, completely awake... How I welcome each moment!