I still couldn't say my gratitude...

I said Oh no! Help me!
And the Oh no! became a rope let down in my well.
I've climbed out to stand here in the sun.
One moment I was at the bottom of a dark, fearful narrowness,
and the next,
I am not contained by the universe.
If every tip of every hair on me could speak,
I still couldn't say my gratitude.
In the middle of these streets and gardens,
I stand and say and say again,
And it's all I say,
I wish everyone could know what I know.

~ Rumi


There are times when the gratitude is so vast it truly does contain everything. Every cell in the body is glittering, vibrating with this gratitude. It's not possible to describe in words, but once experienced, you will know it. That "knowing," it never leaves, though your mind may move into fear or doubt or sadness.


My stay in Florida has been just such an experience. How I wish everyone could know what I know...


Namaste

Fear

Fear is the cheapest room in the house.
I would like to see you living
In better conditions.

                                          ~Hafiz

Fear can slip into your thoughts, and though unwelcome, bring great anxiety and deep distress. As a child fear was more often my companion than not and it wasn't until I reached adulthood that I discovered I was not my fear. It was a remarkable moment of immense freedom and joy to realize that I was not my fear or my thoughts or even my body.

Now that is not to say fear is never with me. The other day as I walked in an undeveloped area of southwest Florida, fear arose at the sound of rustling in the heavy underbrush. Our landlord had warned us there were wild boars, coyotes, and even bobcats! I was grateful to see a beautiful heron rise up from the bushes and the fear flew off with it.

Fear can be helpful, even necessary, but it doesn't need to be the room in which you confine yourself. In Yoga, we practice the lovely art of observing all, sensations, emotions, and thoughts. Letting go of each as it arises and dissolves away. It is a practice and, of course, some stay longer than others. But the art of detachment brings a peace that is beyond understanding. Grace becomes my welcome companion...

The Background of Awareness

The mind must learn that beyond the moving mind there is a background of awareness which does not change. The mind must come to know the true self and respect it and cease covering it up, like the moon which obscures the sun during a solar eclipse.
                                                      - Nisargadatta Maharaj


This morning as I rested in the place between sleep and waking, the thought arose "the ease of being." In an instant I knew what that meant. I've heard teachers say it; I read it; I agreed with it; I thought I understood it. But this morning in instant, I KNEW it.

We are traveling to Florida for the last of a very mild winter. As we drive south, the world seems to be waking up. Trees just barely beginning to bud, then redbuds opening their tiny blossoms. Today we'll see palm trees and sand and the mysterious ocean. I wonder what will this moment bring... Staying present, filled with gratitude and deep respect for the changeless background of awareness.

Mothers

What is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
That which is you dwells above the mountain and roves with the wind.
It is not a thing that crawls into the sun for warmth 
or digs holes into darkness for safety,
But a thing free, a spirit that envelops the earth and moves in the ether.
~Kahlil Gibran ~ 

Another mother has passed on ~ into the great mystery. My lifelong friend, Douy called yesterday to tell me. She asked that I attend the funeral in her stead as she is halfway across the country and cannot return.

What is it about certain people that when we meet there is a "knowing?" It is rare indeed to find others to whom we can so entirely be ourselves. People with whom we are so comfortable it feels safe to just be.

It is a testament to Evelyn that she provided the space for Douy to feel safe, accepted, and loved through all the years since they met. In high school, over 40 years ago, Douy needed a mother's love and acceptance. She found it in two women, both mothers. Her boy friend's and her best friend's.

My mother also opened her heart to Douy in those days so long ago. The amazing thing is that once opened, their hearts continued to hold and nurture her. Time moves us through the stages of our lives, but relationships sparked by knowing are timeless.

Women from that generation, born before the Great Depression and young adults during the Great War (WWII) are slowing passing on from our lives. Evelyn was 92. Although I didn't know her, I sense she was a great lady.

I am honored to be touched by the spirit and energy of these women. I hold them and Douy and all of their loved ones in my heart ~ that vast open spaciousness out of which all arises and dissolves.